"When the Going Gets Weird ...

The weird turn pro." - Hunter S. Thompson

It’s time for another installment of “Jay’s Crazy Dreams.” Honestly, some of these dreams are starting to concern me a bit...


I don't know where I was going, but I was in a hurry to get there. I was driving over 90 mph on a hilly and windy country road. I don't know for sure who's car that was I was driving. Maybe it was mine. It was big, black and fast. A European luxury car of some sort. Probably a BMW 7 Series.

The car was amazing. So smooth, aggressive and beautiful. 5000 lbs and 430 - plus horsepower. I don't know if it was an extension of my manliness or compensating for it. In any event I was hauling ass through the countryside. I would accelerate all the way to top of each hill and then let off the gas just as I hit the top. Then I would enjoy that brief feeling of floating in the air before the car would gently settle back to Earth.

On a long straightaway I was pushing 110 mph when something caught my eye. Did I really see what thought I saw? I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw it again. I slammed on the breaks and car stopped quickly and I turned and looked back. I threw the thing in reverse and backed up all the way until I found what I was looking for.

There she was. It was a calf sitting on her hind end like a dog would. She was sitting next to the fence watching the world go by. I rolled the passenger side window down and stared at the cow for a couple of minutes. Then she started panting, just like a dog.

A fucking cow panting and sitting like a dog on the side of the road!

I got out my camera and was just about to snap a picture when a snake suddenly appeared. It had been hanging out on the tree limb hanging over the edge of the road. The snake hissed at me. Kind of like a cat. It was a loud and furious hiss. Then it began to swing back and forth. I knew what it was about to do and mashed the gas pedal just as the snake launched itself at me.

I heard the snake thump against the backseat window and the side of the car. I was accelerating as fast as the big car would go while looking back to see where the snake was. To my amazement it was hanging on to the car! It's tail was locked around the edge of the back window and it was trying to work it's way back up to the passenger window. I pushed the "up" button and the widow closed quickly. At the same time I was weaving right and left trying to shake that snake. One last good swerve and the snake fell off.

I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw the snake hit the road and roll over three or four times. Then it raised up and let out the loudest hiss/roar I've ever heard. I've never seen such an angry look on a snake's face. If he had arms he would have been shaking his fist at me. I'm pretty sure he was telling me to never come this way again. I just held down the accelerator and drove as fast as I possibly could.

And then I woke up and had to pee. Luckily when I went back to bed and feel asleep I dreamed about something nice, like strippers, instead of snakes again. I hate snakes.



Yeah ... and that's the kind of dreams I have. And that’s without any alcohol, drugs or even any cough syrup before bed. I hope that bowl of beef stew wasn’t the culprit! It was sooo yummy!